Primary Values

Primary values represent foundational beliefs, such as loyalty to family, religious faith, or deep friendships. These are core to a person’s identity and often non-negotiable. How They Cause Escalation: When primary values are questioned, individuals feel their identity and sense of belonging are under attack, triggering strong emotional responses like anger or defensiveness. De-Escalation Strategies:

• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge the importance of their values without arguing: “I can see how much this means to you, and I respect that.”
• Show Empathy: Use empathetic statements to demonstrate understanding: “I understand why this would upset you—it’s an important part of who you are.”
• Reframe the Situation: Redirect the focus to shared goals or positive outcomes: “Let’s work together to find a solution that honours everyone’s values.”

---

Secondary Values

Secondary values protect individual liberties and guide actions within societal or organisational norms. These include rules, fairness, or temporary compromises (e.g., going on strike, accepting detention). How They Cause Escalation: Conflict arises when secondary values are perceived to be unfairly restricted or violated. Individuals may initially comply, but repeated or excessive pressure can lead to frustration and resistance. De-Escalation Strategies:

• Acknowledge Concerns: Validate the individual’s perspective and show you’re listening: “I hear that you feel this situation isn’t fair, and I want to understand more.”
• Offer Transparency: Explain decisions clearly to reduce feelings of injustice: “This is why this rule is in place. Let’s discuss how we can make it work for you.”
• Collaborate on Solutions: Involve the individual in finding a fair resolution: “What would make this feel more manageable for you?”

---

Tertiary Values

Tertiary values are personal preferences or habits, such as hygiene, manners, punctuality, or social etiquette. These are highly individual and subjective, often differing significantly between people. How They Cause Escalation: Tertiary values are the most common cause of day-to-day conflicts. Because they are personal, individuals may feel disrespected or dismissed when others don’t align with their expectations. De-Escalation Strategies:

• Use Neutral Language: Avoid judgmental or confrontational statements.  Instead of “You’re being rude,” say, “Let’s find a way to communicate calmly.”
• Focus on the Behaviour, Not the Person: Address the action rather than criticising the individual: “We need to keep this space tidy for everyone. Can we work together on that?”
• Seek Compromise: Encourage mutual understanding and agreement on shared expectations: “I understand you have a different approach. How can we meet in the middle?”

 

---

 

General De-Escalation Techniques for Values-Based Conflicts

1. Stay Calm and Neutral: Your tone and body language should remain composed and non-threatening.
2. Practice Active Listening: Show genuine interest in understanding the person’s perspective. Use reflective statements like, “What I’m hearing is that you feel…”
3. Avoid Personal Criticism: Focus on the issue at hand, not the individual.
4. Acknowledge Emotions: Recognise and validate how the person feels, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint.
5. Defuse with Empathy and Respect: Show respect for their values and explain your perspective calmly.
6. Redirect the Focus: Shift the conversation toward problem-solving and shared goals.

 

Conclusion

Values are deeply personal and central to our sense of identity and fairness. Conflicts often escalate when these values are perceived to be questioned or dismissed. By understanding the role of primary, secondary, and tertiary values, and employing de-escalation techniques such as validation, empathy, and compromise, you can manage conflicts effectively while preserving relationships and fostering mutual respect. Mastering these techniques not only defuses tension but also builds a foundation of trust and cooperation, ensuring a positive environment in education, care, or workplace settings.